Dead, decaying employees

Wells Fargo, the American bank known for stealing from their clients, is offering employees a new perk: decaying coworkers.

Last week a lady was found dead at her Wells Fargo desk 4 days after she died. I just saw the new alien movie, and I’d rather have my face sucked by one of those parasite things that live my first 4 dead days STILL AT MY JOB. When you die is when you’re supposed to finally have your manager approve your PTO.

Takeaway: the Wells Fargo offices smell bad enough that a dead body takes nearly a week to become “a noticeable odor.”

Again — the American dream rears its head. Here in America, capitalism is so powerful that you can remain a cog in a machine well into your afterlife. What more are you looking for?

Thusly, a proposal: Scared Straight Corporate. I’d like to see a reality tv show that teaches youngsters the horrors they may endure in the future if they continue on the typical path of achievement, doing dangerous things like listening to teachers and getting good grades. Fates such as the aforementioned. Let consultants tell kids about their lives. It will scare the industry out of existence. Die in prison… Die in your Wells Fargo cubicle… need we split hairs?

Some other news highlights from this week:

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The Daily Gobble x YouTube Recommendations

We all watch popular content for entertainment. But what’s recommended to you is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the 1% of content. The 99% of content that doesn’t hit your feed? That’s where things get interesting. It’s a raw, unfiltered, peek into the real psyche of the public, and we think you should watch:

Today’s Highlights

1) P*ssy Breathing: You heard it here first

Wonder. Awe. Kegel. These are the emotions that you cant help having evoked by this video. Is 4:49 long for a YouTube video? Not when you learn how to breathe through your pussy, which is exactly what Karissa Marie TV teaches you in this masterpiece. Feel the breath go in and out. Karissa, bravo. We the people want more. 3.7/5 Gobbles

2) Limpest attack ever on J.D. Vance?

To be honest, I don’t really understand what point is being made in this video. It’s 1 minute long. And it’s so strange. It’s basically MSNBC anchor Stephanie Ruhle attacking J.D. Vance’s green room rider… she bashes lays and Mountain Dew for not being tough enough to be “MAGA”… I’m all for shitting on J.D. Vance’s soy-boy diet, but I have to say Stephanie misses the mark here. 1.9/5 Gobbles

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